Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Living Will

May 12, 2009
I have recent been subject to a loved one’s family member being strickened with non-operable cancer that is assumed to have metastatic tendencies. There is “nothing they can do for her” and they are “keeping her comfortable”.
Their situation has brought to light feelings I have long forgotten and shut out.
My grandfather died 15 years ago of lung cancer, my father died last year of cancer to the renal, bladder, prostate, and bone. I remember my mom getting the call at 2am that if we wanted to say goodbye to my grand pop that we would have to go right then; I didn’t go. My father lives 5 hours away, I received the call that he might not make it through the week, and then next day I got the call he past. I do not know anything about my father’s death. I contacted his wife last night to ask about the details but now I am unsure that I want to read the email. I don’t know that I really want to know.

I plan on obtaining a living will within the next couple of months. I want my wishes to be known, and followed. I do not want to be kept alive; I only want to live if I can preserve some kind of quality of life. I do not want machines breathing for me. I do not want my family to have to make that tough decision. I do not want my children to see me like that. I am an organ donor and I want my organs used for good, if there are any left worth using. I believe in euthanasia. I believe in medicinal marijuana. I believe in stem cell research.

I am so aggravated by what cancer can do to people. It needs to be stopped. It is a fact that cancer is gene mutations; so if my genes are mutated and I reproduce, then my offspring is at a higher risk of cancer then someone with no cancer in their family. I have always felt that I will die of cancer. I know that. I have bad genes, cancer runs deep within my family. It is like waiting for the ball to drop. It does not help that I have had cancer once.

Sometimes you can try as hard as you possible can to stop the effects of cancer. My father wanted to live to see his youngest graduate from high school. He would tell me over and over again, the doctors say I can’t do it, but I will! He was determined…. And so was the cancer. The cancer was determined to eat him alive. To make it so painful that he would need more and more pills and the pain never left. He didn’t make it to his 3rd birthday. How is that any way to live?

We need a cure for cancer. I know it is probably not going to be found in my lifetime, but it needs to happen.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I was having a conversation with someone on a different site who said that the thyroid meds build up in your system so it does not wear off ...per say.

You know, I tend to agree with you, although I do not want to admit it. I have been feeling horrible; moodiness is a sign that my levels are too low. I only get to this type of moodiness when I am at something like a .01. I could have sworn my levels were off during the past two weeks. I was tested...I am at a .23 hmmm, ok. I will not get into how this whole time she wanted me suppressed at a .02 and now a .23 is a good range for me… That is another discussion in itself.
Anyway, now that I know my level is "high" I "feel" better. It has to be in my head. I am very stressed over my upcoming cancer check, pending doctor switch, Thyrogen and time off of work. Not to mention I am moving June 6th, and my house is NOT packed. I had a CT that showed prominent lymph nodes last week, but my primary isn’t worried about it. I don’t see my specialists until June. My partner has a lot of stress on her plate as well, so I try to act fine not to add to her current upset. So yeah, the stress is piling up. I am happy I found this site because if I went only by how my doctors treated me and explained things to me I would still be lost. I am still surprised that the meds build up in your system...I have been taking my meds now at 3:45 in the morning and going back to sleep (if i am lucky)for at least a month. I feel more awake and ready to conquer the world at 630 when I get up.I do not have to convince myself to get out of bed, and drag my ass to the shower. I do not have to worry about taking a vitamin if I chose or having a glass of OJ when I get up. Then by 10p, I am so very tired, moody, cloudy; it’s hard to function. I guess that could just be me.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Seriously People

May 6, 2009

I hate how I feel, and how I act. I try to control it but I can not. It is like someone else has inhibited my body. I hate being mad and miserable ALL THE TIME. I hate not feeling, and not caring. I hate hurting those who are around me by my words. I hate the thoughts that are in my head. I hate being angry.

One year later, you would think that I would feel better or think about something else. I am frustrated with my doctor. I don’t feel like she cares, and to be honest she probably doesn’t. I do not know why people choose their specialties. They should know what kind of patients they are going to be dealing with prior to stepping foot into the field. I do not like my doctor’s defensive attitude. I do not care if she is the doctor, I am the patient, and I am inferior to her. I do not care if she doesn’t feel that she needs to answer my questions, they WILL BE ANSWERED. If not by her, I will find some other doctor that will care.

My levels have to be off. I do not know how a doctor can order medication for a patient and then not follow up. They change my dose, and brand. (all of the sudden two months ago, my doctor decided that she wants all of her cancer patients on brand name only. HAVE I NOT BEEN A CANCER PATIENT FOR OVER A YEAR) WTF MAN?!
So she changed me to brand name, and dosage, then she doesn’t order follow up blood work. I have been on this dose for close to 8 weeks, and I had to call and ask for a script. I have felt horrible since the dose was changed. I am supposed to go see her in another five weeks; I was supposed to wait to have my blood work in four more weeks. Honestly, someone might die in that period if they do not do something about my levels soon.